humility

When I do well and want praise...when I do wrong and want to defend myself...
My continual plea is for humility and quietness of heart...
A gentle and quiet spirit...that's what I pray for. To glorify God, not to be justified before man.


"Humility is perfect quietness of heart. It is for me to have no trouble; never to be fretted or vexed or irritated or sore or disappointed. It is to expect nothing, to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me. It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised. It is to have a blessed home in the Lord, where I can go in and shut the door, and kneel to my Father in secret, and am at peace as in a deep sea of calmness when all around and above is trouble. It is the fruit of the Lord Jesus Christ's redemptive work on Calvary's Cross, manifest in those of His own who are definitely subjected to the Holy Spirit." -Andrew Murray.

the medical floor of a US hospital is an interesting place to work. patients have set expectations of what they want and what they deserve. (life, health, happiness, and prosperity). there are too many people who do not care to get better. oh, they want immediate fixes but as long as they don't have to make an effort. there are the ones that do want to get better or want to work to get better. but those are the ones that end up with a diagnosis like leukemia, MS, or colitis...they won't get better but they will try to change and live...
sometimes it's a hopeless place to work...
sometimes it's exasperating...
but you get numb to it all and shake your head at another 50year old with pancreatitis withdrawing from alcohol for the 7th time in 6 months. "this time I will go to rehab." and "this time" he doesn't and he is back again the next month.
then you roll your eyes at the 23 yr old heroin addict who doesn't want to quit; who doesn't understand that a massive clot in his femoral vein is a very serious diagnosis. but he shoots up in the bathroom in his PICC line and waits until he's discharged from this mess so he can start the process again. because he doesn't care if he gets another clot, infection, or disease...there are medications that can cure everything. in fact, he is invincible. (wasn't that the developmental stage he was supposed to go through in early teens? when he learns that he is not in fact invincible.)
and you bite your tongue as you gently speak to the annoyed, morbidly obese lady who believes that the world owes her all comforts. but she does not want to turn on her side in bed... that is too much effort.

...but then there is the 90 yr old man who looks in your eyes and holds your hand while he is dying and a tear falls down his face as you ask him "are you scared?" and you pray for him and tell him about Jesus' peace and you remember why you are a nurse on a medical floor right now.
...and the 92 year old, confused lady who tries to hit you in the face because she's scared. "are you having a hard time breathing?" "yes." "oh, dear, lie back on your pillow and let's fix that." after giving a breathing treatment, smoothing down her hair, tucking her into bed, speaking a few tender words, and turning out the lights she goes from yelling and hitting to fast asleep...like a weaned child.
ah. now I remember why He has me here. to show what it means to be loved by God. what a good God we have. He loves even the most difficult. in fact I think, if Jesus were here he would spend most of His time in the room of the young drug addict, the alcoholic father, the suicidal woman, and the scared and dying grandpa. He loves so much more tenderly and unbiased than I do.
yet, I am called to be the visible image of the love of Jesus.

oh, Jesus, perfect my imperfect love for Your people. that I may love them more as You do.

and i am content...

Today's reading

A visitor at a school for the deaf and dumb was writing questions on the blackboard for the children. By and by he wrote this sentence: "Why has God made me to hear and speak, and made you deaf and dumb?"

The awful sentence fell upon the little ones like a fierce blow in the face. They sat palsied before that dreadful "Why?" And then a little girl arose. Her lip was trembling. Her eyes were swimming with tears. Straight to the board she walked, and, picking up the crayon wrote with firm hand these precious words: " Evenso, Father, for so it seemed good in thy sight!" What a reply! It reaches up and lays hold of an eternal truth upon which the maturest believer as well as the youngest child of God may alike securely rest--the truth that God is your Father.

Do you mean that? Do you really and fully believe that? When you do, then your dove of faith will no longer wander in weary unrest, but will settle down forever in its eternal resting place of peace. "Your Father!"

I can still believe that a day comes for all of us, however far off it may be, when we shall understand; when these tragedies, that now blacken and darken the very air of heaven for us, will sink into their places in a scheme so august, so magnificent, so joyful, that we shall laugh for wonder and delight.

-Arthur Christopher Bacon

evening reading that blessed my heart

"And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising GOd for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them"-Luke 2:20

What was the subject of their praise? They prasied God for what they had heard- for the good tidings of great joy that a Saviour was born unto them. Let us copy them; let us also raise a song of thanksgiving that we have heard of Jesus and His salvation. They also praised God for what they had seen. There is the sweetest music- what we have experienced, what we have felt within, what we have made our own-" the things which we have made touching the King." It is not enough to hear about Jesus: mere hearing may tune the harp, but the fingers of living faith must create the music. If you have seen Jesus with the God-given sight of faith, suffer no cobwebs to linger among the harp-strings, but loud to the praise of sovereign grace, awake your psaltery and harp...

Have you not found the gospel to be in yourselves just what the Bible said it would be? Jesus said He would give you rest- have you not enjoyed the sweetest peace in Him? He said you should have joy, and comfort, and life through believing in Him- have you not received all these? Are not His ways ways of pleasantness, and His paths paths of peace? Surely you can say with the queen of Sheba, "The half has not been told me." I have found Christ more sweet than His servants ever said He was. I looked upon His likeness as they painted it, but it was a mere daub compared with Himself; for the King in His beauty outshines all imaginable loveliness. Surely what we have "seen" keeps pace with, nay, far exceeds what we have "heard."

Let us, then, glorify and praise God for a Saviour so precious, and so satisfying.

-C.H. Spurgeon

St Joes day...i forget

every day after work i walk passed the child-birth-center and think about July 7.
the day we spent in there.
running back and forth from trader joes, grace cafe, and the hospital.
the baby always comes to my mind.
that was a sad day.
my calender was marked for september 18.
sometimes i wonder...
i still don't know why a mommy loses her baby.
oh, you can explain it scientifically. but that only answers so much.
why do bad things happen to good people?
why do the righteous suffer so?
that is the age old question.
the only answer i know is
I AM
that should suffice, right.

Sturgis...day eleven

the longer i'm here the more i understand how i want treat people who are very sick and how i want to behave if ever i get really sick too.

today we have many things going on. AK gets her drains out in Rapid City, Kelly and Kenna have soccer, Kenna has a band concert...
yesterday Tip graduated from kindergarten! Kenna, Kelly, U.Scott and I went to his program/graduation and watched him sing and receive a little certificate. we arrived home and had a small icecream party. we smiled lots and had a happy time.
i'm glad to make the home happy right now...happy and real.

another thing i learn more about is how i want to raise my children. the kids look for boundaries. they push to do what they want but then really want someone to tell them what they can and cannot do. as many kids as i have taken care of in my life...i've learned a thing or two about what kind of parent i want to be. i hope i can remember it when i actually have kids!

Sturgis...day ten

i'm sitting in the livingroom with aunt Karen. she came downstairs this morning after a good night sleep. she's looking more genki and cheery (that's her word). it's a nice morning. cloudy but not snowy or rainy. the city came and fixed the grass that they tore up with the snowplow. the dogs are lying around the livingroom happy to be inside. i haven't been letting them in the house very often. :) slim came up to me sniffing me and i said "go away, slim. you're in my personal space. i have a large personal space when it comes to doggies." he just looked at me and walked away. :) i think he got it.

so, new plan. on the 21st i'm flying with Aunt Karen to Rochester to go to appointments at Mayo. i'm so excited to see Mayo and see all of the nurses and doctors involved in AK's care. one of AK's friends had miles that she wanted to get tickets for AK if she needed to fly to Mayo. we need to go out there again because she needs to have her follow-up but she isn't going to be able to drive all those hours. so, she's flying and i'm her personal assistant!!

fun times!

happy day to yous!